A Loss

     I wasn't sure that I even wanted to post this, but I feel I need a forum in which to share my story and to at the very least get it out.  On September 11, 2011 we found out that we were expecting our third child.  We were excited, elated and the wheels just got to churning on how we were going to make it work with three kiddos.  I started thinking about what they would be like, how I would deliver, and all the excitement that I would hear from their brother and sister when I told them there would soon be a baby.  For some reason I was having a hard time believing I was pregnant this time.  I mean I was going through the motions, but it just never seemed quite real.  With my other two kids the whole pregnancy became real when I heard their heart beat for the first time, and then even more real when I felt them move, so I was patiently waiting.  I truly relished all the movements and everything else that came with the pregnancies {except the indigestion}.  This time around I felt as if I was not having the same "pregnancy" symptoms that I had with the other two.  Even though it was early on I could see my little belly getting bigger, especially in the evening.  Then it all seemed to stop, but I can't recall exactly when.  I had began spotting at about five and a half weeks, but it was never anthing major.  It all seemed reminiscent of what I experienced with Noah, except I am pretty sure with him it was in the second trimester.  One day it just seemed to get to be a little bit more.  I decided that day to take it easy thinking that maybe I was trying to do too much.  But the next day I woke up and it was even heavier.  I prompted Mike that I thought I needed to go to the doctor and put a call into their after-hours service.  When they didn't call back I called the office once it opened and they called me back to let me know I should go in for a blood test to check my HCG levels.  They were supposed to call me later that day to let me know the results, but I already had a feeling what the news would be.  I ended up calling the next day to see what I should be doing.  A sonogram was done and showed that the baby was measuring 5 weeks 6 days, when I should have been 7 weeks 1 day.  I spent the previous day preparing myself for the news, but still to hear the doctor actually say that I may be having a miscarriage, it became so real.  To be fair, he said there is still a chance the baby could still be growing, but I could already tell.  The next step was to set up a sonogram a week later to see if there was any change in the growth of the baby.  In the mean time I was left to myself and told of a few of the things I should expect. 
     I will just say that the whole process was {is} a tough one {more emotionally than physically}.  It left me wondering when it will all be over and all that will be left is just a memory of the life that could have been.  There were moments when I would just break out in tears, it didn't even have to be anything baby related, just a thought and the tears would come.  Thankfully I had Mike here to guide me through it and lots of hugs from the kids even though they weren't yet aware of what was going on.  But I couldn't help but have moments where I wondered if Mike was feeling the same ache I was.  He is not a real emotional person, and it was hard to gauge exactly where his emotions were in all of this.  All I could hold onto was that he was here for me, and that when he was ready he would let me in on his pain.  I continued operating the daycare through the whole miscarriage process, but there were a few evenings where I basically shut myself in my room and left all the evening stuff to Mike.  The time in my room was merely a time for me to relax and give my body a break.
     At the second sonogram appointment it was confirmed that I did in fact have a miscarriage and that there was no longer a baby. It was surprisingly easier to hear that it had been confirmed. I think it was because I had the whole week to take it all in. Thankfully my doctor was available to talk to us and was very good at explaining what was going on and what we could expect the future to be like.
     I have a few more posts where I hope to share what has helped me through the process, some resources, and what is in store in the future for us.  If any good can come from this sad circumstance is that if there is some one else out there in the world feeling the same pain, maybe I can help them find something to guide them through it.