Things They Say Thursday--October 27th

     Have I recently gushed over how much I love my little boy, or how sweet he is?  Well, I'm sure I have, but here is another one since I just can't get enough and I want to remember to be able to share with him when he gets older.  One day he was laying down for nap and I came to lay down next to him.  He looked at me and said, "I love your nose."  "And I love your eyes, and I love your hair, and I love your lips."  As he was saying each one he was giving them a gentle pat.  I'm not sure what brought it on, but it was so sweet and it melted my heart.  Is there a chance to just freeze moments like this and save them for later?

Girl's Night In

     Over Labor Day weekend we had a family get together out at my aunt's house.  Mikayla had this grand idea to have a Girl's Night with my brother's fiancee.  All I could gather over the fire and about ten other conversations going on was that we were going to have a Girl's Night In and watch the movie Tangled.  It took me a few weeks, but I finally got it all planned out complete with the requested food:  pizza, candy, and cookies.  Since Mikayla is going to be a flower girl in the wedding we decided we would try and find a dress before coming back to the house to watch the movie.  We succeeded in finding a dress and ordered pizza before coming home.  As luck would have it {or Mike} we got a flat tire just a few miles away from home.  We ended up calling Mike and my brother and left them with the car while we came back home to finish off the evening.  Since Mike was taking care of the car we ended up having to take Noah with us which did not make Mikayla happy.  But in the end the kids had a good night, loaded up on lots of food, and even got to watch a movie.  Maybe next time it will be a true Girl's Night and it will go much smoother.

Mikayla on the carousel at the mall after we found her dress.

My niece.

Faulkner's Ranch Take Deux

     We have had such gorgeous weather lately that we decided to get out and enjoy it.  Last year we took the kids to Faulkner's Ranch and had so much fun that we decided we would go back again this year.  I love how they have a variety of activities and they are all so close.  Even though there were a lot of people there, there never seemed to be a long line for anything and the staff are all so friendly.  I think the only "fall" time experience that we miss out on there is the true experience of going out to a pumpkin patch to pick our own pumpkin.  Oh well, the kids once again had a great time and were zonked on the way home.

Milking the cow.

Horse tire swings.

Playing a little broomball.

Hiding in the corn maze.

Wolverine.

Peace Fairy.

Zip line.

This one had me so nervous.



One tired Wolverine.

What Gets Me Through

     These past few weeks have been tough.  I am making it through though, with hopes that maybe one day I will be able to feel the joys {with trepidation} of expecting another child.  But there are a few things that I have found to keep me going through the days.  I have had enough science classes to know that there is a pretty good chance that there was nothing I could have done to prevent the miscarriage from happening. Of course, I still traced all my steps of all the questionable things that could have happened, but I have never once stopped to think "if only I hadn't done that." It is definitely hard to go through the process and not second guess everything, but one thing that has kept me going is God {yes, I did bring Him into this}. I know that He has a plan for me and I can only think that there must be some reason why He had me go through this process. I will not blame Him, or anyone else {myself included} for that matter. A few of the sermons we have had at church keep playing through my mind. The main one being that most of us ask when we are in the face of tragedy, "Why me?", but the message of the service was "Why not me?" God wants to use as a vessel to spread His message and it does leave me wondering if this is my venue? And as if there could be a more perfect timing to hear a message, I found this through another blog. It just confirmed the thoughts I had, that God is still there for me.  But one of the main things that has helped is just letting other people know what I am going through.  I am a pretty private person, but I knew that this would take more than just me to move on.  Each time I told someone what was going on, I felt like it was getting easier and that I was getting another shoulder to cry on if I should need it.  More than just sharing though I have chosen to take joy in my two children that I have here.  They are my world right now.  One final thing that has helped is naming the baby.  Even though we were so early on in the pregnancy, I didn't like referring to the baby as "it."  So we have decided to name the baby Avery Lee.  Soon I hope to get a necklace engraved as a memorial.

     Another resource for any one going through a miscarriage is iamtheface.org.  I think it is always good to know that there is some one else out there who is going {has been} through the same thing you are and this is a great site to realize that you are not alone.

Things They Say Thursday--October 20th

     I will admit that I am horrible about teaching and encouraging my kids about prayer.  We are making an effort and they are learning just from the act of going to church.  But before Mike and I even officially decided that we wanted to have another child, we first asked Mikayla and Noah.  We were pretty sure of what their response would be, but we thought it would only be fair to actually ask.  They both responded enthusiastically "yes", which was immediately followed by "I want a baby brother" (Noah) and "I want a baby sister" (Mikayla).  In one of our attempts to teach them things that they should pray for we used the example of praying for a baby.  Noah took to it immediately and any time you would ask him if he was saying his prayers he would gleefully say "Please Lord may I have a baby brother."  After we lost this baby and we were explaining why mommy was sad sometimes we had told them that we were going to try for another baby and Noah goes right into saying "Please Lord may I have a baby brother."  Mikayla on the other hand says, "Please Lord may I have a baby brother AND baby sister."  As much as I would love to see their prayers granted, if the Lord would be so gracious I think I will take only one {at a time}, thank you very much.

Great Wolf

     With Mike out of town on our anniversary, we had to postpone our original plans for a few weeks.  We had planned a night and day at the Great Wolf Lodge.  We booked one of their rooms with a hot tub and a fire place to have a nice, quiet evening to ourselves.  Every now and then we also run into the opportunity for a Parent's Night Out, which means fun for the kids.  We combined the two this time.  It was a first for Noah and he seemed to love it.  My brother was gracious enough to pick them up and them stay the night with him so we could enjoy our time.  What I said about the quiet was true.  That is about all we did, just sit there and relax, by the fire.  Did I mention that it was actually cool enough to have a fire?  We enjoyed the evening to ourselves and did a little shopping at the Outlet Mall before going to pick the kids up.  It was just too hard to resist taking them there.  We have talked about going since it opened and every time we drive by Mikayla asks when we will go there.  Plus, you have to check out by 11a.m., but can use the waterpark until 9p.m.  The kids were not quite tall enough to enjoy all the slides, but still had a good time.  Although they would prefer to just swim in the pool {note to self:  no need to pay high prices for slides when a pool is all they want}.  After a few hours we were worn out and headed home for movie night.

Crown Center Fun

    I meant to post this sooner, but things have been a little hectic.  At the end of the summer we took the kids to have some fun at one of our favorite local places, Crown Center.  There was a Rainforest Exhibit going on, we made it to Kaleidoscope, and ended the day with some fun in the fountains.  The kids had so much fun and both crashed before we made it home.

A Loss

     I wasn't sure that I even wanted to post this, but I feel I need a forum in which to share my story and to at the very least get it out.  On September 11, 2011 we found out that we were expecting our third child.  We were excited, elated and the wheels just got to churning on how we were going to make it work with three kiddos.  I started thinking about what they would be like, how I would deliver, and all the excitement that I would hear from their brother and sister when I told them there would soon be a baby.  For some reason I was having a hard time believing I was pregnant this time.  I mean I was going through the motions, but it just never seemed quite real.  With my other two kids the whole pregnancy became real when I heard their heart beat for the first time, and then even more real when I felt them move, so I was patiently waiting.  I truly relished all the movements and everything else that came with the pregnancies {except the indigestion}.  This time around I felt as if I was not having the same "pregnancy" symptoms that I had with the other two.  Even though it was early on I could see my little belly getting bigger, especially in the evening.  Then it all seemed to stop, but I can't recall exactly when.  I had began spotting at about five and a half weeks, but it was never anthing major.  It all seemed reminiscent of what I experienced with Noah, except I am pretty sure with him it was in the second trimester.  One day it just seemed to get to be a little bit more.  I decided that day to take it easy thinking that maybe I was trying to do too much.  But the next day I woke up and it was even heavier.  I prompted Mike that I thought I needed to go to the doctor and put a call into their after-hours service.  When they didn't call back I called the office once it opened and they called me back to let me know I should go in for a blood test to check my HCG levels.  They were supposed to call me later that day to let me know the results, but I already had a feeling what the news would be.  I ended up calling the next day to see what I should be doing.  A sonogram was done and showed that the baby was measuring 5 weeks 6 days, when I should have been 7 weeks 1 day.  I spent the previous day preparing myself for the news, but still to hear the doctor actually say that I may be having a miscarriage, it became so real.  To be fair, he said there is still a chance the baby could still be growing, but I could already tell.  The next step was to set up a sonogram a week later to see if there was any change in the growth of the baby.  In the mean time I was left to myself and told of a few of the things I should expect. 
     I will just say that the whole process was {is} a tough one {more emotionally than physically}.  It left me wondering when it will all be over and all that will be left is just a memory of the life that could have been.  There were moments when I would just break out in tears, it didn't even have to be anything baby related, just a thought and the tears would come.  Thankfully I had Mike here to guide me through it and lots of hugs from the kids even though they weren't yet aware of what was going on.  But I couldn't help but have moments where I wondered if Mike was feeling the same ache I was.  He is not a real emotional person, and it was hard to gauge exactly where his emotions were in all of this.  All I could hold onto was that he was here for me, and that when he was ready he would let me in on his pain.  I continued operating the daycare through the whole miscarriage process, but there were a few evenings where I basically shut myself in my room and left all the evening stuff to Mike.  The time in my room was merely a time for me to relax and give my body a break.
     At the second sonogram appointment it was confirmed that I did in fact have a miscarriage and that there was no longer a baby. It was surprisingly easier to hear that it had been confirmed. I think it was because I had the whole week to take it all in. Thankfully my doctor was available to talk to us and was very good at explaining what was going on and what we could expect the future to be like.
     I have a few more posts where I hope to share what has helped me through the process, some resources, and what is in store in the future for us.  If any good can come from this sad circumstance is that if there is some one else out there in the world feeling the same pain, maybe I can help them find something to guide them through it.

Sweet Six

     Oh Mikayla, how sweet you are.  I had been waiting for years to be able to put my little girl in the Miss Sweet Six contest that goes along with the Old Settler's carnival.  After her application being lost in the mail and a phone call, we were in.  We got her all gussied up and took her to the fair grounds for the competition.  All that entailed was answering some questions while looking adorable.  I could tell as time passed and Mikayla was watching all the other girls have their turns she was getting nervous.  She kept saying that she was fine and she was just looking.  Something changed though when she got up on the stage.  I think she first became anxious because she was fidgeting in her chair, but then she became confident when it was her turn to answer the questions.  Some of the girls got really good, easy questions, but Mikayla was stuck with a question about her missing teeth.  I don't think it would have thrown her quite so much but they were asking her about the tooth fairy coming and at first she said the tooth fairy had not came yet {which is true because as luck would have it she lost a tooth in school that day}, but then she changed it to that the tooth fairy left her M&Ms and money.  I am still really proud of her, but a little mad at myself because my phone went to sleep just in time for me to start recording.  I thought Mike was recording at the same time, but I looked over at the end an he had just taken a few pictures.  So I missed out on catching this memory for her {and us}.

Before the competition {And, yes it was held in a parking lot}.

She wanted a picture with me while she waited.

Looking a wee bit nervous.

A big {toothless} smile after finishing her interview.

It's a Tradition

     In September we went to Old Settler's Days.  It is our local carnival and every year as a kid my mom would load us up and take us to the parade followed by an afternoon at the fair, so I have started the same tradition with my kids.  The parade was Saturday morning and Mike took Noah to his sports clinic and I took Mikayla and her friend to the parade.  The girls and I got to the parade early enough to get some pretty good seats.  We stopped to get donuts, I had them bring some books, and I brought bubbles to entertain them until the start of the parade.  I enjoy seeing all the different groups that participate in the parade, but the kids were more interested in the candy.  Usually we are the ones getting left out of the candy {which I don't mind}, but this time the girls were getting a lot and I had them share with the kids next to us.  The parade was really long and Mikayla was getting antsy, so we left before the end.  Mike had met us there in the middle of the parade to take the neighbor girl home, so it was just me and the kids as we headed to the fair.  I bought the kids some tickets so they could go on five rides each, well they got to go on exactly two {technically Mikayla went on three}.  You see I put their tickets {safely} in my purse, but when we went from one ride to the next right across the street, all I could find was a single ticket which allowed Mikayla to go on one last ride.  Noah and I went back to look for them, but they were long gone.  The kids took it surprisingly well and we finished up the afternoon looking at crafts, a little face painting, and a yummy funnel cake.  It was a good day filled with lots of fun.