Deja Vu

     I wasn't sure I wanted to share this.  But knowing that one of these days I will turn the blog into photobooks has made me want to include this since it is part of our story.  At the end of January I found out that we were expecting, again.  The whole situation was surreal in how I found out to how things eventually unfolded.  It first started when I thought I had started my cycle super early, so I put in a call to the doctor's office.  They said that they can be irregular after a miscarriage {which I knew}, and to give it a few months.  It was an unusual cycle, but I didn't really think much more about it until it seemed to have stopped and started again.  I have no idea why, but I frantically took a pregnancy test.  I thought I had botched it, so I left the bathroom and came downstairs for a little while.  When I went back upstairs it was positive.  Shock and disbelief immediately set in.  To confirm the results I took another one that immediately turned positive.  Right away I was on the phone with the doctor's office.  This time they got back to me and sent me for a lab work up to check on my hcg and progesterone levels.  Both were lower than what they should have been.  I was told to repeat the test in a few days to see if the numbers were going up or down.  I completely expected them to have gone down, but instead my hcg doubled like it should have but my progesterone was still low.  A little ray of hope.  At this time I was also prescribed a nightly dose of progesterone.  The next blood test was a week later.  They were hoping the numbers would be high enough to do an ultrasound.  They were {more hope} and I was scheduled for an ultrasound.  I was a little afraid to go by myself and since Mike is my coverage for the daycare, my sister went with me.  We were able to see a heartbeat.  But I only measured six weeks when I should have been seven and the heartbeat was lower than in a healthy baby.  I was told to come for another ultrasound a week later.  It only took that night for me to know that I had already lost the baby.  For some reason I went to bed feeling pregnant, but woke up feeling completely unpregnant {probably not a word, but it is how I felt}.  I tried explaining it to Mike, but I don't think he quite got it.  The whole next week seemed to take forever.  Part of me was hoping that I was just being paranoid and that I would go in for the ultrasound and there would be a healthy heartbeat.  Reality was that there was no heartbeat.  I'm sure that I was expected to cry more than I did, but I don't think that what people realized was that I started mourning for this baby before even finding out I was pregnant {sounds strange, I know, but my first thought with the early cycle was that it was another miscarriage}.  So really I had been mourning for weeks.  It still breaks my heart.  I can't help but think that if I would have taken a pregnancy when I thought I had gotten my cycle that maybe this one could have had a fighting chance.  But what is in the past is in the past and I can't change that, I can only cling to hope for the future.  With this miscarriag, it did not progress on its own.  In order to move beyond the loss, I scheduled a D&C.  I was hoping the recovery would be quicker than the last, but no such luck.  At the D&C follow-up appointment I was referred for some bloodwork to check thyroid function and blood clotting issues.  When the results came back I was told I have a mild form of a blood clotting disorder called heterozygous MTHFR.  Basically it is a blood clotting disorder that may or may not have anything to do with the miscarriages.  It may cause tiny clots to form that may inhibit nutrient rich bloodflow to the baby.  There is a relationship between homocysteine and folic acid that I do not fully understand except that my body may not be able to fully absorb folic acid.  I was put on a baby aspirin daily to help reduce the risk of a clot. 
     I am not sure why, but I was more private with this miscarriage.  I think part of it has to do with the fact that I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  Yes, it is a difficult and heartbreaking set of events, but I still cling to the idea that everything happens for a reason.  And if we are meant to have another baby, it will happen.  As with the last miscarriage, we decided to name the baby.  The name we decided on was Logan Taylor.  I am thinking about getting a ring to memorialize the baby and possibly two angel garden stones.